Do you feel it? I’m sure you do, because I feel you feeling it. I feel it, too. What are we feeling? Well, if you’re like me, first, let me offer you my sincere condolences, and, second, it means you’ve got a tight little knot in your stomach as November 2 approaches.

Have you noticed yourself being more irritable than usual? Do you suffer from free-floating anxiety? Are you looking at your neighbor, the one with the Bush/Cheney lawn sign and the so-unfunny-I-forgot-to-laugh-and-it-doesn’t-even-make-any-sense “Defeat America: Kerry/Fonda” bumper sticker, in a totally different light now and wondering what the hell could be wrong with him, and though you’ve never really liked him from the beginning, you’ve still tried to cut him some slack ‘cause he lives only two doors down and also because this is America where we’re all supposed to be able to have our own political views without being judged but, then again, you know this election is completely unlike any other and the future of America is truly on the line, so anyone who even for a nanosecond could consider voting for that macaque Bush is just so obviously out of it and deserves to be judged, and, yes, you feel guilty about that because you like to consider yourself tolerant of opposing views, but you also know that, doggone it, there is far more at play here than just a difference of opinion and that what we’re really talking about is choosing between nascent fascism and whether America even has a shot at surviving?

Well, me too. And because my initials are M.D., I feel fully qualified to diagnose all of us with the following affliction: IBS, or Idiotic Bush Syndrome. (A letter to the American Medical Association asking about the obvious redundancy in the malady’s name went unanswered).

This is the spot in the column, though, where I reassuringly tell you, my dear readers and lovers of all things good and decent, not to worry. With the proper dosage of electoral votes in a few days, the disease will disappear; unfortunately, it will take much, much longer to rid the country of its lingering symptoms.

And what happens if the medicine is not administered properly? ‘Twould be a serious situation, no doubt about it. But cheer up: After all, if John Kerry loses, it’s not like it would be the end of the world as we know it, right?

Well, OK, so it would be. But, hey! There are worse things that could happen to America than George Bush and his malodorous crew back in the White House for four more years, eh?

Uh…

Well, all righty, then. I think I’ll just head on over to this next paragraph and try a different approach.

Yoo-hoo! Here we are. OK, let’s just take the direct route: If the election is not rigged (can you believe this is something that must even be considered in America?), I predict Kerry will win the popular vote, 53% to 45%. That’s right, my fine fretting friends, a rout. And the electoral vote tally? Well, since I am imagining you are asking: 310 for Kerry, 228 for Bush. You heard it here first. (Or, if someone you know has predicted it already, second. Or, if you’ve previously heard it from two or more people, here’s a simple formula to determine when exactly you heard it from me: 1 + number of people who predicted it already = when you heard it from me.)

I gently suggest you pay absolutely no mind to numbers offered by polls, moles, or trolls; in other words, just stay away from them, period. This is a losing game intricately designed by mad scientists, created only to goose your acid reflux. Besides, as I was reminded by “impeachdubya” on Democratic Underground recently, the October 27, 2000, Gallup poll showed Bush leading Gore, 52% to 39%. To paraphrase Bob Uecker, those figures turned out to be “juuuuuuust a bit completely wrong.”

Still, it’s hard not be anxious, and odd things are indeed happening here in Pre-Election Land. For instance, I occasionally scan the country’s various Independent Media web sites, where the comments sections attract a lot of right-wingers who apparently have nothing better to do than hang out on left-leaning web sites and fully demonstrate their difficulties with highly advanced concepts (like logic and spelling). Lately, however, I’ve noticed a dearth of their standard rants and epithets. Where could these folks be?

I mean, it’s not time already for the religious right’s annual End Times underground bunker cleaning, is it? And those who share the nutheaded neocons’ loony vision of pax Americana aren’t collaborating somewhere to devise a plan to help “sell” America’s next target, like, say, Canada, are they? (I can hear Bush’s rationale now: “It’s nearby, and its occupation should be easier than Iraq’s since most of the natives speak English or something similar, except, of course, for the French Canadians, who we can just ship back to French Canadia or wherever they’re from.”)

Maybe a lot of Bush worshippers are out doing the bidding of their ultimate (puppet) master, Karl Rove. The mind boggles at what this might entail: See who can pen the best lines for a “veteran” to recite in an ad asserting Kerry is a disciple of Ho Chi Minh, perhaps? Send letters to editors in swing states, maybe, explaining how Vietnam was really a bitchin’ war and how wrong Kerry was for trying to stop it, and if it weren’t for him, we could even still now be fighting that oh-so glorious conflict?

I’ve noticed a lot of lefties seem to be lying low, too. What gives there?

Well, we ain’t resting, that’s for sure. Politically active left-wingers know how much Bush has energized us, and we’re currently all busy preparing the final touches for his well-deserved ouster during this crunchiest of crunch times. In other words, we’re hard at work doing the hard work necessary to defeat the president whose hardest work seems to be in telling us how hard he’s working at working hard.

Thus, this is most likely my last column before the election. Borrowing a rarely reported but effective strategy from the GOP, a busload of us is heading to Ohio tomorrow to kidnap some “undecideds” and force them to vote for our guy. It’s either that, we’ll tell them, or listen to an endless loop of Rush Limbaugh tapes, a treatment no human can withstand. (We checked with our lawyer, and she assures us, due to the “quaintness” of certain Geneva conventions, we are still just shy of torture.)

Of course, I’m fibbing. We’re really going to Nevada.

So, I know you’re jittery, but remember: You are not alone in feeling unsettled; we’re all feeling a bit queasy. Actually, it goes far beyond us: Bush is so thoroughly rotten he’s no doubt given indigestion to the Great Cosmic Id. This may explain why, as of late, your mantra of “Ommmmm…” does not seem to connect with the universe; “Owwwww…” might be more currently in tune. Even the cosmos, apparently, can only take so much.

Since we’ve entered the realm of the transcendental, here’s a factoid which appears all so plain, but plainly doesn’t appear so to all: religion and spirituality are not automatically synonymous, and the sanctimonious Dubya is living proof of this assertion -- in spades. (Or is that pitchforks?) It is gut-churningly sickening to observe the total spiritual bankruptcy embodied by Bush and his bunch, and the sheer hypocrisy of Dubya touting himself as some sort of God-fearing man raises the nausea factor exponentially.

But in a few short days, we all have a prime opportunity to help re-align the planets, ourselves, and every damn thing else that has unavoidably felt the ripple effect of our force-disturbing salamander-in-chief’s slimy doings. As you find yourself feeling anxious during this stretch run, try not to worry. Remember: together, we are going to take care of it, and after Election Day, we can all breathe much, much easier. Keep doing what you’re doing, and no matter what Karl Rove comes up with (and he’s certain to spring a doozy or two), stay the path and do not lose heart.

In the interim, you may want to try this for a soothing chant: “President Kerry, President Kerry…”

Copyright® 2004 Mark Drolette. All rights reserved.