HEIGHTENED TERROR ALERT\r\n<\/p>
WASHINGTON, DC - The FBI and DHS have contacted the nation's police\r\ndepartments strongly urging heightened security this Fourth of July\r\nweekend. Special Agent Barry Maddox, Public Relations Director for the\r\nBaltimore Field Office, explained that despite the fact that there is absolutely\r\nno solid evidence of any threat whatsoever, it was entirely possible that\r\nterrorists would seize upon the nation's holiday and stage unparalleled\r\nattacks. Boaters and picnickers were warned to be on alert for booby trapped\r\ncoolers and condom packages. Special attention should be given to women\r\nwho appear pregnant but are actually not pregnant. When asked how citizens\r\nwere to determine if a woman were not actually pregnant, while appearing to be\r\npregnant, Special Agent Maddox declined to reply, stating that he could neither\r\nconfirm nor deny that he understood the question.<\/p>\r\n
Tom Ridge, Directory of the Department of Homeland Security sent out a\r\nspecial alert asking Americans to be wary of the homeless, especially those\r\nhomeless individuals standing about for apparently no reason, sitting on park\r\nbenches or asking for change. Director Ridge explained that terrorists\r\ncould very well disguise themselves as homeless Americans. When asked why\r\nthey would choose to disguise themselves as members of that segment of the\r\npopulation most likely to be harassed by police, rather than as, for example,\r\nthe leader of a governmental department or an FBI agent, Director Ridge declined\r\nto comment.<\/p>\r\n
Meanwhile, things began to heat up in Florida when the President's brother,\r\nJeb Bush, issued a warning to be on the look out for dogs walking\r\nstrangely. Unconfirmed chatter pointed to the use of pooches with weapons\r\nof mass destruction shoved up their asses. Even the most friendly of dogs\r\ncould be unwitting al-Qaeda agents. Any dog droppings seen on sidewalks\r\nshould be circled in chalk and local authorities should be contacted\r\nimmediately. Citizens are warned not to pick up the dog droppings, smell\r\nthem or carry them home.<\/p>\r\n\n","contact":"","link":"http:\/\/www.dhs.gov","address":"","phone":"","parent_id":0,"mime_type":"text\/html","summary":"The dog days of summer are here.","numcomment":0,"fileurl":"\/uploads\/","filesize":null,"article_url":"\/news\/2004\/07\/113820.php"},"attachments":[],"comments":[]}