{"article":{"id":95585,"heading":"Know Thy Enemy","author":"c\/o nonanarchist2125","created":"2003-11-27 02:32:07","modified":"2003-11-30 15:48:13","last_modified":"Sun, 30 Nov 2003 22:48:13","article":"

Know Thy Enemy: Protestors

Terrorists are horrible, but I have a t-shirt to handle them. Who are also as annoying, though, are protestors. Since Bush is encountering so many protestors while in Britain, I thought I'd put my crack research staff on finding out as much information about protestors as they could. Here's what they found:

FUN FACTS ABOUT PROTESTORS

* They are called \"protestors\" because there is something which they \"protest\". Only God know what, though, because they're so damn incoherent.

* Much like the pineapple, protestors start with a 'p'.

* Protestors like to yell a lot, but it's hard to hear what they're saying. It's probably about how much they like Saddam and dictators since them being deposed seems to really get them riled.

* Protestors try to make their message clearer by waving signs around. Apparently they don't think there should be trade between the Red Cross and Exxon.

* A number of protestors these days are anarchists. They can be identified as the protestors who can't properly pronounce what they are.

* Large scale protests rarely change things because people don't want to share opinions with smelly, yelling people.

* To protestors, the day they protest is known as \"action day\". To police, it's known as \"whomping day\".

* If you're a police officer and it looks like protests are getting out of control, shoot a protestor. I thought I saw him going for a gun too (wink) (wink).

* Like bees, protestors operate in swarms, but they don't produce anything useful like honey.

* In America, the right to protest is guaranteed by the First Amendment, but I don't think it's a coincidence how that one's directly followed by one saying we should have guns.

* Whatever you do, don't let protestors touch you! It will make you annoyed.

* There are rarely large scale protests by right-leaning people on account of them having things called dignity and jobs.

* By the principles of basic physics, sound can be nullified by hitting it with the same sound with the sound wave offset by ninety degrees. So, to nullify the yelling of protestors, blast them with the recording of monkeys screeching.

* You make monkeys screech by dangling bananas in front of them but never giving them to them. Stupid monkeys. What are they going to do anyway? Take over the world and blow up the Statue of Liberty?

* Much like fire, protestors need oxygen to survive. Also like fire, denying protestors oxygen can cause them to die out.

* In another similarity to fire, dousing protestors with water can help quell them.

* Speaking of water, in a fight between protestors and Aquaman, Aquaman would soon be running around waving a sign saying how old forest logging is endangering the sea turtle.

* Maybe if the song \"Don't Worry; Be Happy\" were played over loudspeakers, protestors would stop protesting as they no longer worried and were now happy. It's worth a shot.

* Another idea is tear gas, but that will probably cause them to worry and not be happy. Screw them.<\/p>\n","contact":"","link":"http:\/\/www.imao.us\/archives\/001109.html#001109","address":"","phone":"","parent_id":0,"mime_type":"text\/plain","summary":"Since Bush is encountering so many protestors while in Britain, I thought I'd put my crack research staff on finding out as much information about protestors as they could. Here's what they found:","numcomment":10,"fileurl":"\/uploads\/","filesize":null,"article_url":"\/news\/2003\/11\/95585.php"},"attachments":[],"comments":[{"id":95600,"heading":"lame","article":"lame. i could come up with more interesting dribble by putting a microphone to my dog's butt.","author":"lame detector","parent_id":95585,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-11-27 03:32:51","modified":"2003-11-27 03:32:51","fileurl":""},{"id":95602,"heading":"Go back to Cycorp, nonanarchist.","article":"Maybe Mary will recount one of her stalking stories.","author":"Cycorp Sucks","parent_id":95585,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-11-27 04:27:15","modified":"2003-11-27 04:27:15","fileurl":""},{"id":95604,"heading":"KOBE SBM is a bisexual female.","article":"Grow up Cyndy.","author":"Cycorp is a cult.","parent_id":95585,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-11-27 04:44:29","modified":"2003-11-27 04:44:29","fileurl":""},{"id":95624,"heading":"Further proof that...","article":"...libbies and annies have no sense of humor.\r\n\r\nBTW, is Cycorp your current obsession, DeVoy?\r\n\r\nThis, too, shall pass. You'll get tired of Cycorp, and move on to another target.\r\n\r\nThe common thread to all his obsessions:\r\n\r\nNo proof.\r\n\r\nOh, and a fair bit of paranoid fantasy.","author":"nonanarchist0617","parent_id":95585,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-11-27 11:24:55","modified":"2003-11-27 11:24:55","fileurl":""},{"id":95649,"heading":"oh","article":"how fucking boring.","author":"madge","parent_id":95585,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-11-27 19:07:29","modified":"2003-11-27 19:07:29","fileurl":""},{"id":95654,"heading":"same old","article":"I can remember reading similar material in 1967, when anyone who dared oppose the Vietnam War was derided as immature, unwashed, mentally ill or in the pay of the USSR. The rightwingers have not evolved. They just pass the same basic script on to the next generation - sort of like writers for television situation comedies. \r\n","author":"Meyer London","parent_id":95585,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-11-27 20:12:12","modified":"2003-11-27 20:12:12","fileurl":""},{"id":95656,"heading":"that's not even funny","article":"Just this year, I was in a chat room and all these people were saying "suicide bombers are stupid." It was stupid, how these obviously average people were bandying tthat word about. It was like listening to plain looking people deride others for being "ugly." It's stupid.\r\n\r\nThose above insults don't even make sense to me. They're like the insults of an eight-year-old child. Where are the unexpected contextual shifts that make us laugh? Where's the revelation of secret knowledge?\r\n\r\nProtestors have some good chants. They're funny too. Here are a few I've dusted off...\r\n\r\n"bad cop, no donut"\r\n\r\n"hey hey, ho ho, hey-hey-ho-ho's got to go"\r\n\r\n"bush, you liar, we'll set your ass on fire"\r\n\r\n"the slogan, defeated, will never be repeated"\r\n\r\n","author":"more rational","parent_id":95585,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-11-27 20:38:53","modified":"2003-11-27 20:38:53","fileurl":""},{"id":95659,"heading":"Chanting","article":"Yeah, nothing like a good chant to get things done and make things happen.\r\n\r\nGolly gee Beave. Look at the movers and the shakers go. \r\n\r\nWoooo wheeee!","author":"Max","parent_id":95585,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-11-27 20:55:16","modified":"2003-11-27 20:55:16","fileurl":""},{"id":95836,"heading":"tut tut","article":"The point of chanting is to entertain ourselves, to build a feeling of common purpose, not to "get something done." \r\n\r\nIt's about as rational and powerful as the flag salute (which is pretty damn irrational if you think about it... but it seems to work for a lot of people), or singing the national anthem.\r\n\r\nThe point of the march is to make a public demonstration of interest in an issue. Implicit in any street march is the threat that these same people can mobilize at some point to storm a government building, break in, and seize power. It doesn't happen in America, but that's how it works in other countries.\r\n\r\nWhy am I even explaining this? I thought anyone with common sense understood this.","author":"more rational","parent_id":95585,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-11-30 11:25:58","modified":"2003-11-30 11:25:58","fileurl":""},{"id":95849,"heading":"So what you're saying is...","article":""The point of chanting is to entertain ourselves, to build a feeling of common purpose, not to "get something done." \r\n\r\nSo what you're saying is that you really don't care if anything gets done or not. You're just bored people and need some way to occupy yourselves, so you throw you occasional fits like typical ADD children do.\r\n\r\nWhen peopl salute the flag, they're saluting the patriots that have fought and died for our way of life.\r\n\r\nWhen people chant, they're "entertaining themselves".\r\n\r\nGee, why am I explaining this? You'd think anyone with an IQ greater than 70 would know this...\r\n\r\n","author":"Max","parent_id":95585,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-11-30 15:48:13","modified":"2003-11-30 15:48:13","fileurl":""}]}