{"article":{"id":81175,"heading":""My Ass Belongs to Jesus: A Christian's Epiphany."","author":"Christian Soldier","created":"2003-09-06 16:12:39","modified":"2003-09-07 19:16:18","last_modified":"Mon, 08 Sep 2003 02:16:18","article":"

\"My Ass Belongs to Jesus: A Christian's Epiphany.\"
By Christian Soldier

\"If everyone followed my example of Christian devotion, the world
would be a happier place.\"

The day of revelation:

After feasting on a quart of guacamole dip & chips, followed by 5
pounds of barbecued pork ribs, corn and half a case of beer, I
dropped the biggest log of my life, and it was the spitting image of
Jesus Christ. I couldn't believe that anything made in God's image
could smell so bad. After wiping my ass, I was further amazed to
discover that the heavily soiled toilet paper was imprinted with the
image of the Virgin Mary. I haven't flushed my toilet since, as I'm
preserving Jesus & Mary were they feel most at home.

Additionally, I invited other Christian Republicans, in my
neighborhood, to have a look. Not only do they agree that Jesus and
the Virgin Mary are floating in my toilet, but they invited the
entire chapter of The Christian Coalition to hold Sunday prayer
services in my bathroom. Every Sunday, they huddle around my toilet
singing songs to my Jesus log and soiled toilet paper. After prayer
services, they take some of the blessed water home with them to use
in their baptisms.

It's a good time to be a Christian in America...

<\/p>\n","contact":"","link":"","address":"","phone":"","parent_id":0,"mime_type":"text\/plain","summary":""If everyone followed my example of Christian devotion, the world \nwould be a happier place."\n","numcomment":2,"fileurl":"\/uploads\/","filesize":null,"article_url":"\/news\/2003\/09\/81175.php"},"attachments":[],"comments":[{"id":81236,"heading":"Manual for Objectors to War and Military Training","article":"A new web page is now available for individuals wanting to become advisors for Christian objectors to war and military service and training. Please take a glance: http:\/\/www.peacehost.net\/christianCO . The manual itself in on the webpage: http:\/\/www.peacehost.net\/christianCO\/ChristianCO.pdf . \r\nAs more rules are issued by Selective Service or the Armed Forces, or should conscription or National Service be legislated, the manual will be supplemented. Perhaps you can also use the information I have provided.\r\nAlso visit the web page: http:\/\/www.peacehost.net\/peacechurch\r\n","author":"danhshubin","parent_id":81175,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-09-07 16:51:31","modified":"2003-09-07 16:51:31","fileurl":""},{"id":81253,"heading":"you mean?","article":"after 40yrs of throne-loitering I never once noticed a heavenly substance, of any kind? bullshit!!\r\nIknowmyshit","author":"dogs brefist","parent_id":81175,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-09-07 19:16:18","modified":"2003-09-07 19:16:18","fileurl":""}]}