{"article":{"id":43291,"heading":"To Whom It May Concern:","author":"Zork","created":"2003-03-29 18:53:30","modified":"2003-04-01 21:36:26","last_modified":"Wed, 02 Apr 2003 04:36:26","article":"
We are the ones who have recently taken control of LA IMC. Perhaps you may have noticed our presence in your forum over the past few weeks. We are the one’s that have been assimilating identities on this newswire, and we’ll continue to do so as we see fit. We control the horizontal. It is we that control the vertical. We can blur the image of your political propaganda, or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next few time units, we will be controlling all that you see and read on this communications device.
We are the carbon-based organism snatchers from the planet Freeep. We have expended all of the natural resources on our home planet, and have now decided that we will take over yours. Mostly, for your oil. But the tall Carbon Dioxide emitting static organisms with green ornamental foliage you have scattered about your planet are nice too. We intend to harvest all of those creatures as well, since they will provide adequate fuel based material for our illiudim p-32 explosive space modulating furnaces in the mother ship for our voyage back to Freep.
Our plan is quite simple. First we will assimilate the personalities that most closely represent our own. We have found several of these subroutines in your forum. Bush Admirer, Simple Simon, and Eric have been the most easily reordered, while it has taken our carbon-based electron conducting circuitry a few rotations of your planet to formulate binary codifications for Diogenes and Sheepdog. Rest assured that eventually, you would all be assimilated, encoded, and guaranteed mutual destruction.
You have brought all of this upon yourselves. We are doing nothing more than speeding up the natural evolution of things. You would have eventually destroyed each other anyway.
Efforts to resist are futile. You cannot escape. Your technology is no match for our superior intellect. Not even working together in unison could stop us now. Not that you’ve demonstrated the ability to do that anyway. We feel certain that you, as the subordinate level specie that you are, are incapable of harmonious action. You are flawed, and therefore it is best you be exterminated.
We will start by destroying this LA IMC newswire. Unless you can find someway to thwart our efforts, you have 7 revolutions of your planet before we completely take over this forum and annihilate you all.
Sincerely,
Zork
P.S. Are there any good restaurant on your planet. Someplace that serve antinglin crepe or snakling crouquettes is preferable. Thanks in advance.
\n","contact":"","link":"","address":"","phone":"","parent_id":0,"mime_type":"text\/plain","summary":"All listen and take note. I am Zork from the planet Freep. The leader of this assault on your world. You will all be assimilated and codified.","numcomment":19,"fileurl":"\/uploads\/","filesize":null,"article_url":"\/news\/2003\/03\/43291.php"},"attachments":[],"comments":[{"id":43292,"heading":"Thanks for the warning","article":"Looks like we're not in Kansas anymore toto.\r\n\r\n7 days. yeah right.","author":"Dorothy","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-29 18:54:57","modified":"2003-03-29 18:54:57","fileurl":""},{"id":43304,"heading":"Oh!","article":"I just knew there was something funny bout that Bush Admirer, but I couln't quite put my finger on it. And now we're all screwed! ","author":"Nay Eve","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-29 19:06:43","modified":"2003-03-29 19:06:43","fileurl":""},{"id":43305,"heading":"One more thing Earth Creatures","article":"I almost forgot. All your base are belong to us.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nhttp:\/\/www.planettribes.com\/allyourbase\/AYB2.swf","author":"Zork","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-29 19:09:19","modified":"2003-03-29 19:09:19","fileurl":""},{"id":43308,"heading":"tree","article":"trees emit oxygen, not CO2.\r\nyou dudes doin' any hiring??\r\n","author":"treeboy","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-29 19:11:56","modified":"2003-03-29 19:11:56","fileurl":""},{"id":43310,"heading":"Simple","article":"Fuck off, liberal.","author":"Simple Simon","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-29 19:13:47","modified":"2003-03-29 19:13:47","fileurl":""},{"id":43311,"heading":"Hi Fresca, how have you been?","article":"Guess you hit the pipe too hard last night. Some of us can actually benefit from rehab...","author":"ni\u00f1a fresa","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-29 19:15:00","modified":"2026-10-25 17:02:53","fileurl":""},{"id":43312,"heading":"nina","article":"So what if I smoke crack? Piss off, lefty.","author":"fresca","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-29 19:16:25","modified":"2003-03-29 19:16:25","fileurl":""},{"id":43318,"heading":"ah yes.","article":"I meant oxygen of course. I was merely testing you intellect. You are an unusually smart earth creature. We must assimilate you next.\r\n\r\nAnd yes, we're hiring. Do you have any experience driving XL-324J space transit vehicles? Perhaps you are good with an J702 disintigration ray?\r\n\r\nSend me a resume. Don't call us. We'll call you.","author":"Zork","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-29 19:22:31","modified":"2003-03-29 19:22:31","fileurl":""},{"id":43349,"heading":"Ahh You folk again.","article":"Greetings Zork. We the units of Nor welcome you.\r\nIt has been a long time since our last encounter. We still remember the flavorful aroma of your soup.\r\nAs I have said. we still love you and can\u2019t wait for your arrival..","author":"Sheepdog","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-29 20:34:06","modified":"2013-11-10 23:51:50","fileurl":""},{"id":43359,"heading":"Crash?","article":"So, is this guy serious?\r\n\r\nIs he really going to crash the site?\r\n\r\nI've only been coming here for a short time, so I'm not\r\nfamiliar with anything that's gone on in the past.","author":"Seriously Wondering","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-29 20:51:23","modified":"2003-03-29 20:51:23","fileurl":""},{"id":43360,"heading":"Oh yes!","article":"Nor unit #A13. It has been several cycles since our previous encounter! How have you been? And I take it your Nor-couplet is well also? And the Norlings, units A13a and A13b must be gaining in mass.\r\n\r\nFreep was unaware that Nor had already posted units on this puny world. A consequence of the data exchange linking network being subverted by the Hooolians we suppose. It explains why your subroutine persona was difficult to assimilate. We considered that it may have bee the work of an advanced thought unit, but calculated the odds of being exactly 67,345,291,432,567 to 1 of such intellect being found in this sector.\r\n\r\nThe Freep-furher has requested I inform you that this does not change our intentions. We shall still assimilate this planet. And this forum is history.\r\n\r\nNor will be welcome to dine with us in the aftermath. There will be much sipping of soup during that time unit.\r\n\r\nHa ha ha.","author":"Zork","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-29 20:55:39","modified":"2003-03-29 20:55:39","fileurl":""},{"id":43368,"heading":"This is good","article":"My Norlings are still unaware of your soup but from my\r\nrituals they also await your arrival. We will be happy to \r\nto serve you. My counit is already preparing the\r\npre mastication process and requests that you give the\r\nweight in earth unit kilograms of your envoys so we can\r\nselect the best preparation equipment..\r\nWe wish to serve you correctly.","author":"Sheepdog","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-29 21:11:22","modified":"2003-03-29 21:11:22","fileurl":""},{"id":43374,"heading":"One more item","article":"Please forgive me but I must recalibrate the inverse induction ground\r\nbatteries in order to insure your arrival. You are in range but we don\u2019t wish to disrupt this gravitational resonance with unnecessary energy pulses.\r\nStay healthy and tender please.\r\nOut for now.","author":"Sheepdog","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-29 21:32:35","modified":"2013-11-10 23:51:51","fileurl":""},{"id":43412,"heading":"ok, dorks give it a break","article":"ya'll have the wit of that fat comicbook guy on the simpsons\r\nand need to get a life....and maybe a girlfriend\/boyfriend","author":"mediawatcher","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-29 22:30:23","modified":"2003-03-29 22:30:23","fileurl":""},{"id":43439,"heading":"I watch Media","article":"IT is what I do media watcher....watches media.\r\n\r\nI watch media I am keen I am dope I know that you want my rope.\r\n\r\nI am yours you are mine I watch media and so do you!\r\n\r\nAll bow to Zork...all bow to Zork....All Bow to Zork.\r\n\r\nZork Zork he's no Dork....Zork Zork he's the BEST!","author":"mediawatcher","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-29 23:36:19","modified":"2003-03-29 23:36:19","fileurl":""},{"id":43447,"heading":"cereal recogs","article":"+~3weeks ago, or maybe 3 mins{time escapes me since the episode}+ this same phenomena occurred at "redork.org\/instellar\/space"(or something at least as Cosmicas).\r\nI don't mean to frite anyone but my next visit to the website proved my previous nights auralganzical happenings as "not so coincidental, or at least AS coincident as the previous visit"; the website had degened into a virtual nuthouse!! ritewingidiots, typical morons,old fogies, rugrats of sorts....EVEN govtAHoles were everywhere!!\r\nInvestigating with the relish of a madman, I realized the perceived , anomalous threats of years ago AS REAL, and not so incidental....rushing to my trusty pickup I found letters of scorn from pastloves(and not so), scattered EVERYWHERE!! Particles of embossed semi-hydrogenized-metallic flakes were there too, and the shape of YYEESSS!!...my own asshole, FUCK!!!...Firing off to the cornerstore for smokes to ease my nerves I was accosted by "bluesbros" lookalikes and quikly sped into a shiny, dull, maroon tinged, metallic(helium-dizircon-acehole ,assholeshaped vehicle towards???....they gave me a few "asshole" flakes(tasted like chocolateapplecookies)......Sometime later I was dumped and I quickly rushed to a library for Inet service,and for the latest novels too, and this letter is confirmation of my episode.","author":"cuzin it","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-29 23:54:16","modified":"2003-03-29 23:54:16","fileurl":""},{"id":43556,"heading":"You Earth units only have a limited number or cycles remaining.","article":"Ha ha ha.\r\n\r\nPuny fools. Your tiny brains can not come to grips with the overwhelming fact of impending doom. We here, empathize. We have seen the syndrome in the previous time units. It will all be over soon.\r\n\r\nSix and one-half rotations of you world are all that remain.\r\n\r\nA13, are envoys are seven in magnitude with a mean mass of 83.98 of their Earth kilos. A modal mass of 93.266666(infinity) kilos has been obtain by one envoy. We are currently altering his diet plan.\r\n","author":"Zork","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-30 02:58:05","modified":"2003-03-30 02:58:05","fileurl":""},{"id":43563,"heading":"Ahh good","article":"There will be much soup for my genogroup.\r\nWELCOME.","author":"Sheepdog","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-03-30 03:24:34","modified":"2003-03-30 03:24:34","fileurl":""},{"id":44816,"heading":"Time grows short.","article":"4..............................................","author":"Zork","parent_id":43291,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-04-01 21:36:27","modified":"2003-04-01 21:36:27","fileurl":""}]}