CounterPunch\r\n<\/p>
February 14, 2003<\/p>\r\nHe'll Be Remembered as an Asshole\r\nPeaceniks Win War!\r\n
By BEN TRIPP<\/p>\r\n
http:\/\/www.counterpunch.org\/tripp02142003.html\r\n<\/p>\r\n
Hey,\r\ngang! We won, if you don't mind Pyrrhic victories. I feel like the guy at\r\nHiroshima who was in a fart-lighting contest just as the A-bomb went off. His\r\nlast words were \"beat that\". In a topsy-turvy way that would baffle\r\nthe Cheshire Cat, we who desire peace will triumph in the event of war. You see,\r\nif there's a clear loser in the pending savagery, it's George W. Bush and his\r\nadministration of barking scrotum monsters.<\/p>\r\n
Right now it doesn't look<\/i> like they've lost.\r\nThey'll have their war on Iraq; they will rain bombs down on that godforsaken\r\npatch of petroleum-soaked dirt and before you know it instead of the Iraqi\r\npopulation being 50% children, it will be 20% children, because kids can't run\r\nas fast as adults. After a few days of hand-to-hand combat through the streets\r\nof once-legendary Baghdad it will all be over. But George never read the Arabian\r\nNights- too long and too dirty. So he doesn't know that Baghdad is infested with\r\ngenies, and we're not talking about the cute blue ones with ADD who talk like\r\nRobin Williams. The ones in Baghdad are the djinn<\/i>, ancient magical\r\nspirits that inevitably trick their masters into self-destruction. Voila! Or if\r\nyou're Mozart, viola. But the effect is the same. George W. Bush has already\r\nlost the most important battle of all: the battle for the future.<\/p>\r\n
Setting aside money and power for a moment (sometimes I\r\ndo), what really matters to a guy like George is that he should someday join the\r\npantheon of Great Americans whose marble busts inhabit the halls of our nation's\r\ncapitol. He's got all the power and money he could ever misuse in a thousand\r\nlifetimes. What he needs now is to be honored by posterity. This is where he\r\nloses and we win. One could argue that George is a marble-headed bust already:\r\nthat's as close as he'll come to being pals with posterity. Posteriority, yes.\r\nPosterity, no. He will not be remembered as a brave warrior, a noble patriot, a\r\nstatesman, a father to his country, a son of God, or even a well-meaning\r\ndelusional psychotic. He will be remembered as an asshole- and that's exactly\r\nhow it will read in the history textbooks, although they'll spell it a**hole so\r\nas to avoid mantling the kiddies' cheeks with blushes.<\/p>\r\n
In the future, assuming we can still hope for one,\r\nGeorge XLIII's reign will be derided, scorned, mocked, and other words to that\r\neffect. jeered and disparaged at the very least, maybe even subject to\r\nopprobrium. We-- the unlikely alliance acting against his lunatic regime, we\r\nLiberals and Conservatives, Libertarians and Progressives and Pentagon generals\r\nand disenfranchised veterans, mothers, fathers, mimes, entomologists,\r\npodiatrists and transsexuals, all sons and daughters of a government that has\r\nturned its back on the principles upon which we were nurtured from cradle to\r\nshallow grave-- we will bask in the hallowed light of kind remembrance, not\r\nGeorge. A fat lot of good it will do us, but there we are. I didn't say victory\r\nwould be sweet. Those kids who took a bullet at Kent State? Martin Luther King?\r\nThe Kennedy brothers? King Kong? They had to die at the hands of The Man to get\r\nimmortal- it's a mug's game. George W. Bush, how will we loathe thee? Let me\r\ncount the ways.<\/p>\r\n
Foremost among his epic buggerations, history will\r\nrecord that Bush precipitated modern America's first utterly unprovoked war and\r\nrekindled the arms race. Saddam's not even a communist. A war of opportunity,\r\npossibly World War III: this is what Bush will be remembered for, not the\r\ninevitable victory over some whiskery homunculus in Baghdad. And that's not all.<\/p>\r\n
Another first: George will be remembered for reversing\r\nthe outcome of both the Civil War and the Civil Rights movement. He will be\r\nremembered for mixing Church and State: his invisible cloud superhero and your\r\ntax dollars, together at last. He will be remembered for nose-diving the economy\r\nfrom a great height. For record deficits and massive bureaucratic expansion-\r\nhe'll knock Reagan off the charts. For 50 bankrupt states. He will be remembered\r\nfor turning his back on treaties. For insulting great nations. For calling the\r\nleader of Russia 'Pooty Poot'. For oppressing the weak and unleashing the mighty\r\nupon them. For eviscerating the Bill of Rights, and for secret detentions. For\r\nignoring the desperate environmental crisis which grips the globe like a gut-spasming\r\ncase of Montezuma's Revenge. For slipping the government's unclean fingers back\r\ninto the womb of every woman in America. For stealing the election of 2000. For\r\nrigging the election of 2002, and probably for canceling the election of 2004.\r\nNeed more? You can't spin the history of the future, which will read something\r\nlike this:<\/p>\r\n\r\n
Bush, G.W. 43d American President (locum tenens)<\/i><\/p>\r\n
In private life an unsuccessful oil executive,\r\n George W. Bush was installed as president of the United States by the Supreme\r\n Court in the year 2000. At first an ineffectual president both at home and\r\n abroad, he was invested following the terrorist acts of September 11, 2001\r\n (see sidebar) with enormous political authority. Seizing opportunity in the\r\n name of fighting terrorism, Bush advanced an aggressive agenda to secure the\r\n world's natural resources for private interests, especially the petroleum\r\n industry. After initiating a disastrous program of economic, military and\r\n diplomatic actions coupled with severe domestic security measures, Bush's\r\n administration collapsed under a wave of scandals. The impact of his\r\n presidency on America's international standing is still felt today. According\r\n to an obscure satirist of the period, \"George W. Bush was the a**hole\r\n that ate the world.\"<\/i><\/p>\r\n
See also Stalin, J. and Hitler, A.<\/i><\/p>\r\n\r\n
Just you wait and see. The genie is out of the bottle,\r\nand this is one bottle George won't put down. Us real<\/i> patriots, the\r\ndissidents, have already won- and we'll get our country back someday. What's\r\nleft of it. Hell, in ten years we'll be able to travel overseas again. History\r\nwill smile on us. Meanwhile, buckle up your poniards, because we may have won\r\nthe war, but the battle has only just begun.<\/p> \n","contact":"","link":"","address":"","phone":"","parent_id":0,"mime_type":"text\/html","summary":"Ben Tripp is a screenwriter, political satirist and cartoonist.","numcomment":1,"fileurl":"\/uploads\/","filesize":null,"article_url":"\/news\/2003\/02\/29198.php"},"attachments":[],"comments":[{"id":29281,"heading":"Did someone say Ass Hole?","article":"Nonsense. Bush is the greatest president since Reagan. Hell, he's so hot his ass hole probably smells sweet. I'd do him.","author":"Bush Admirer","parent_id":29198,"mime_type":"text\/plain","created":"2003-02-17 04:00:34","modified":"2003-02-17 04:00:34","fileurl":""}]}