Sergio Garcia Fined $2M for Horking into the Cup

The Associated Press has announced today March 30, 2007 that the PGA of America in association with the R&A has fined Spanish golf professional Sergio Garcia $2M U.S. for spitting into the 13th hole at the Doral Golf and Country Club last Saturday March 24th during the third round of the CA World Golf Championship. Here is the official statement released by the Commissioner of the Professional Golf Association of America Tim Finchem:

Tim Finchem: “Fellow golf addicts. As you are aware last Saturday at Doral Sergio Garcia was caught on camera by NBC horking a vile 3 foot 2 inch mass of gobule directly into the 13th hole. This unfortunate incident has now spiralled out of control. Noted golf blogger “Shanks” at travelgolf dot com and worldgolf dot com has already coined the incident “Loogiegate”. After Mr. Garcia horked into the cup on 13 his playing partner Tom Lehman hadn’t seen it and putted out. Upon retrieving his ball Tom Lehman noticed a large heap of sputum on his ball and reflexively vomited into the hole, the hole then overflowing onto the putting surface with Thomas’ undigested lunch. At this point Sergio’s caddy Fanny Sunesson began to laugh so hard that she shat herself. Play had to be held up for 30 minutes while the course superintendent Roger Kneelsworthy and his crew donned HazMat outfits and brought in fire hoses to rectify the situation so that play could resume.”

“They say that golf is like life only on a larger scale. This coming Easter Sunday April 8 is Masters Sunday. The PGA and the R&A decided that we could not have Loogie Gate overshadowing the Masters Golf Tounament and so we decided to nip the situation in the bud by fining Sergio Garcia $2M for unprofessional conduct. The PGA and R&A have also enacted a new rule, rule 69A(i): ‘No player shall at any time intentionally or inadvertently spit into the hole. Such offence shall be punished by a 3 stroke penalty. Upon subsequent offense this shall result in immediate disqualification from the golf tounament, unless the player is Casey Martin. We aren’t interested in traveling to the Supreme Court of the United States again especially after the first golfer has packed the bench with hardliners.”

“Normally the accused is given leniency if they confess and show expressions of remorse. This was not forthcoming in this case. Today Friday March 30, 2007 Pope Benedict XVI heard confession for the first time in Vatican City from 7 young Catholics from Erbil, Iraq. The 7 young people asked for forgiveness, each one representing each mortal sin. Then another 7 lighted a lamp near the crucifix of the Sistine Chapel. Individual confessions followed. Pope Benedict XVI was aided by 200 Priests from the Pontifical Basilicas and Diocese. Pope Benedict XVI stressed the importance of confession. Pope Benedict XVI said that ‘Humanity ever since its origins has been seduced by the Evil One.” Pope Bendict XVI called upon the youth of the world to live their lives ‘in the true love that comes with respect for one another, chaste and responsible.’ Pope Benedict XVI called upon the youth of today to ‘build a civilization of love”.

“After the spitting incident Segio Garcia was interviewed by Jimmy Roberts of NBC. Sergio Garcia denied spitting into the cup. He claimed that the enormous drool accidentally fell out of his mouth into the 13th hole. Sergio said, “It’s no big deal.” After the final round Sergio Garcia spit venom at the television interviewer saying, “I apologized already, Are you embarrassed that I didn't spit today? Is that why you didn't have anything better to ask me?”

“This coming week, Masters Week also falls on the Jewish Passover. The Messiah Jesus Christ was a Jewish Rabbi. The Last Supper was an occasion upon which Jesus and his disciples possibly including Mary Magdalene celebrated the freeing of the Jewish slaves from Egypt by the Heavenly Father at the Seder on the first night of Passover. The Gospel of Judas reveals that as a practical joke Judas the Messiah’s favorite disciple played a practical joke on Jesus by spitting into the Holy Grail while Jesus went to the loo. When Jesus returned and drank the wine from the cup he said, “Know now forevermore that whosoever shall spit into another man’s cup shall be condemned to hang from a tree.” (Judas 13:13).”