Know Thy Enemy

Know Thy Enemy: Protestors

Terrorists are horrible, but I have a t-shirt to handle them. Who are also as annoying, though, are protestors. Since Bush is encountering so many protestors while in Britain, I thought I'd put my crack research staff on finding out as much information about protestors as they could. Here's what they found:

FUN FACTS ABOUT PROTESTORS

* They are called "protestors" because there is something which they "protest". Only God know what, though, because they're so damn incoherent.

* Much like the pineapple, protestors start with a 'p'.

* Protestors like to yell a lot, but it's hard to hear what they're saying. It's probably about how much they like Saddam and dictators since them being deposed seems to really get them riled.

* Protestors try to make their message clearer by waving signs around. Apparently they don't think there should be trade between the Red Cross and Exxon.

* A number of protestors these days are anarchists. They can be identified as the protestors who can't properly pronounce what they are.

* Large scale protests rarely change things because people don't want to share opinions with smelly, yelling people.

* To protestors, the day they protest is known as "action day". To police, it's known as "whomping day".

* If you're a police officer and it looks like protests are getting out of control, shoot a protestor. I thought I saw him going for a gun too (wink) (wink).

* Like bees, protestors operate in swarms, but they don't produce anything useful like honey.

* In America, the right to protest is guaranteed by the First Amendment, but I don't think it's a coincidence how that one's directly followed by one saying we should have guns.

* Whatever you do, don't let protestors touch you! It will make you annoyed.

* There are rarely large scale protests by right-leaning people on account of them having things called dignity and jobs.

* By the principles of basic physics, sound can be nullified by hitting it with the same sound with the sound wave offset by ninety degrees. So, to nullify the yelling of protestors, blast them with the recording of monkeys screeching.

* You make monkeys screech by dangling bananas in front of them but never giving them to them. Stupid monkeys. What are they going to do anyway? Take over the world and blow up the Statue of Liberty?

* Much like fire, protestors need oxygen to survive. Also like fire, denying protestors oxygen can cause them to die out.

* In another similarity to fire, dousing protestors with water can help quell them.

* Speaking of water, in a fight between protestors and Aquaman, Aquaman would soon be running around waving a sign saying how old forest logging is endangering the sea turtle.

* Maybe if the song "Don't Worry; Be Happy" were played over loudspeakers, protestors would stop protesting as they no longer worried and were now happy. It's worth a shot.

* Another idea is tear gas, but that will probably cause them to worry and not be happy. Screw them.