Fatherland Security on Alert as Isabel Once Again Becomes A Five

Author: Stephen DeVoy
Date: 9/14/2003

WASHINGTON DC - Commissar Ridge announced a change in the status of the color coded terror alert system today in response to the Muslim plot to destroy Washington D.C. with a hurricane.  The storm which has its origins off the coast of Africa, a continent noted for a harboring a large number of Muslims, raged eastward, threatening the east coast of the Fatherland.  The terror alert system, for the first time in its history, was elevated to throbbing-red.  Fox News released a tape, purportedly showing Osama bin-Laden eating children somewhere in Afghanistan.  Heard in the background in broken Arabic was a conversation concerning Allah's plot to destroy America with a hurricane of mass destruction (HMD).  Israeli experts commented on the tape, verifying its authenticity.  Israel officially offered it best security agents from El Al airlines as advisors to the US Government suggesting that its years of dealing with the Muslim problem made Israel uniquely disposed to providing expert advice on oppressing Muslims in response to attacks by HMDs.  Benjamin Netanyahu suggest that Iran was behind the plot.  Richard Perle suggested an immediate invasion of Iran promising that only regime change in Iran would prevent future attacks on the US by HMDs.

As the winds on the east coast began to stir, members of the Free Republic began organizing attacks upon Muslim websites and forums.  An Arab American man was shot while attempting to refuel his car at a Texaco station in Virginia.  The assailant, driver of an SUV with a "Today Iraq, Tomorrow France" bumper sticker, insisted that he was only doing what any patriotic American would do.  Ann Coulter came to his defense and demanded that all Iranians be forcefully converted to Christianity, "before it was too late."  Bill O'Reilly demanded an immediate round-up of all Arabs and Muslims in the United States.

A draft order for "voluntary interviews" of all Muslims whose origins were included on a long list of African and Middle Eastern countries was leaked.  Rumors surfaced that hundreds of Arab and Muslim men had already been rounded up on "visa violations."  We are still attempting to contact noted author and Harvard University law professor Alan Dershowitz for his position on torturing Muslim Americans in order to obtain information that might prevent the hurricane from striking the east coast.  It is anticipated that Dershowitz, consistent with his opinion on the application of torture, as expressed in the wake of the attacks of 9/11, will endorse the rumored policy currently under formulation by an agent of the Department of Justice closely aligned with John Ashroft.  The agent was interviewed at an S&M club and confirmed that torture was not only the right way to go, but would have positive effects upon the subject.

Attempts to contact Dick Cheney proved to be futile, though strange pounding noises were heard by neighbors living within a three mile radius of his compound.  President Bush was interviewed in a bunker somewhere in the Midwest.  Tired from his seemingly random flight to and from various Air Force based scattered about the US, the President assured the American people that he would be safe and that all possible measures were being taken to prevent the hurricane from knowing his current position or predicting his next move.  The President assured the American people that he knew that their every thought was on his well being.  When asked about intelligence reports alluding to additional attacks by HMDs, the President responded, "bring 'em on."