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by Cognitive Dissonance Friday, Sep. 12, 2003 at 3:32 AM

Atta boy - sumthin' to really be prouda'.

Commentary of unknown origin, circulating around the Internet

The White House, USA


I attacked and took over two countries.

I spent the U.S. surplus and bankrupted the US Treasury.

I shattered the record for the biggest annual deficit in history (not


I set an economic record for the most personal bankruptcies filed in

any 12 month period.

I set all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the

stock market.

I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.

I am the first president in US history to enter office with a

criminal record.

In my first year in office I set the all-time record for most days on

vacation by any president in US history (tough to beat my dad's, but

I did).

After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided

over the worst security failure in US history.

I set the record for most campaign fund raising trips by any

president in US history.

In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their


I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any

other president in US history.

I set the all-time record for most real estate foreclosures in a

12-month period.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than

any president in US history.

I set the record for the fewest press conferences of any president,

since the advent of TV.

I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution

than any other US president in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused

to intervene when corruption was revealed.

I cut health care benefits for war veterans.

I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously

take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the

record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.

I dissolved more international treaties than any president in US


I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any

in US history.

Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US

history. (The poorest multimillionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil

tanker named after her).

I am the first president in US history to have all 50 states of the

Union simultaneously struggle against bankruptcy.

I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any

market in any country in the history of the world.

I am the first president in US history to order a US attack and

military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of

the United Nations and the vast majority of the international community.

I have created the largest government department bureaucracy in the

history of the United States, called the "Bureau of Homeland

Security"(only one letter away from BS).

I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending

increases, more than any other president in US history (Ronnie was tough to

beat, but I did it!!).

I am the first president in US history to compel the United Nations

remove the US from the Human Rights Commission.

I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations

remove the US from the Elections Monitoring Board.

I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of

congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US


I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.

I withdrew from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by

default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.

I am the first president in US history to refuse United Nations

election inspectors access during the 2002 US elections.

I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate

campaign donations.

The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of

my best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy

frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron >Corporation).

I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US


I am the first president to run and hide when the US came under

attack (and then lied, saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)

I am the first US president to establish a secret shadow government.

I took the world's sympathy for the US after 9/11,and in less than a

year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the

biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).

I am the first US president in history to have a majority of the

people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world


and stability.

I changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded

government contracts.

I set the all-time record for the number of administration appointees

who violated US law by not selling their huge investments in corporations

bidding for gov't contracts.

I have removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than

any other president in US history.

In a little over two years, I have created the most divided country in

decades, possibly the most divided that the US has been since the Civil War.

I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less

than two years turned every single economic category heading straight



I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas

driving record has been erased and is not available).

I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during

time of war.

I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug


All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away

to my fathers library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public


All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or

bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All minutes of meetings of any public corporation for which I served

on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP)attended regarding

public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public



For personal references, please speak to my dad or Uncle James Baker

(They can be reached in their offices at the Carlyle Group where they are

helping to divide up the spoils of the US-Iraq war and plan for the

next one).

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