by k. n. hoj
Monday, Apr. 21, 2003 at 5:26 PM
When we were kids, we played a fun game called Mad Libs where you'd answer some questions, and the answers would be put into an essay. The combinations were often funny, and sometimes profound. I made up a Mad Lib about the American Empire. Let's go!
(a) Name of a resource rich country or place: _____________.
(b) A date in the future: ____________.
OK, that's it. Now, put your answer to (a) into slot (a),
and (b) into slot (b).
-------------------------------------------------------------
We propose to invade (a)_________ on (b)__________.
On behalf of international security,
establish one or more permanent military bases,
which shall operate unencumbered by local and state laws
of the host country,
and shall endeavor to protest the American Settlers
there to establish businesses in the host country.
In the name of Free Trade and Harmonization,
open access their markets to selected global corporations,
to destroy locally owned industries,
and pollute their air and water,
to seize natural resources to pay for their reconstruction,
which shall be subcontracted to American corporations.
If the host country needs a loan, we'll give it to them.
Bless Bechtel, General Electric, Westinghouse, BP, DeBeers, Coca Cola,
Mistubishi, and Sony.
The local government will be rebuilt in the image of the
British Parliament, with modifications from American Democracy,
but not necessarily including power-balancing modifications from the
First People of northeast America.
The local currency shall be devalued against the Dollar, Almighty.
The country may be renamed, if America feels like it.
On behalf of anthropological museums and American culture,
seize and distribute cultural artifacts,
to open their culture to Westernization,
alter their diet to increase consumption of hamburgers,
and increase access to the women and children living there.
On behalf of Christianity, and integration of Church and Empire,
indoctrinating charities shall be allowed to substitute for
secular social welfare and education.
All indigenous populations of people shall be assimilated,
first by the local ethnic power structure, then by the Americans.
The new belief, that the only good aboriginal, is a dead one,
shall be reflected in new artworks glorifying
the defeat of their ancestors.
Local school textbooks shall be revised to reflect
a new understanding of history.