by Ben Better
Saturday, Oct. 12, 2002 at 2:45 AM
National desk
Weimar Syndrome was first detected here in the U.S. in the winter of 2000 when it was discovered that a growing number of citizens were under the mistaken impression that a little known governor from the state of Texas was actually the president of the United States
Washington - Medical experts confirmed today that a rare form of psychosis has surfaced in the nation’s capitol. The sickness was earlier reported to have effected only certain segments of the population, most notably those in rural backcountry areas where access to medical care and education is limited. On Wednesday morning a highly respected team of international scientists was rushed to the scene of the most recent outbreak in Washington. “We feared the worst”, noted Harry Times, the group’s official spokesman, “There were numerous reports that members of the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives were suffering from the symptoms seen in the earliest stages of the disease.” Times said illusions of grandeur were not necessarily symptomatic of the illness, dubbed the Weimar Syndrome. “The most prevalent symptoms seem to effect the ability to reason as well as the appearance of certain speech disorders.” Times pointed toward seemingly contradictory statements made by senators and congressmen during the recent debate on the Bush regime’s doctrine of pre-emption. “It seems that those suffering from the illness tend to claim they are simultaneously for and against things, a kind of parallel thought pattern.”
Other early indicators of the sickness are an apparent inability to see certain objects or pronounce specific words. As an example, Dr. Times pointed toward Senator Hillary Clinton’s and Senator John Kerry’s difficulty in using the words “constitutional crises” or “lack of integrity”, or Senator Joseph Lieberman’s seeming inability to see any light. “These early symptoms should place caregivers on notice for the more far-reaching symptoms which follow”, Times said, “When word reached us that members of congress could no longer rise to the occasion, that their spines were affected, we knew we were in for trouble.”
Times and his team spoke to dozens of the congressmen’s aides in their effort to better understand the increasingly dangerous outbreak. He noted that many of these people also showed signs of the disease. “I placed an object, say a copy of the U.S. Constitution on a wall chart in front of the subjects and asked them to identify the object,” Times said, “A high percentage of these people were unable to see it and many who did were apparently unable to understand what they were seeing.”
Weimar Syndrome was first detected here in the U.S. in the winter of 2000 when it was discovered that a growing number of citizens were under the mistaken impression that a little known governor from the state of Texas was actually the president of the United States. As word of the illness spread it became apparent that a form of mass psychosis was setting in. Medical practitioners and emergency room personnel reported on increasing amounts of cases involving patients hallucinating or suffering from blind spots. Many claimed to see terrorists lurking everywhere around them, while others saw no need for so many constitutional rights.
An article on this phenomena, featured in Scientific Americans last month, pointed out an area of the human brainstem as a probable entry point for the disease. The cerebral cortex is considered the seat of our most basic instincts, so-called fight-or-flight reactions. The article’s authors speculated that a form of virus, possibly of electronic origin similar to broadcast wavelengths, may be affecting these areas. Dr. Ken Sea, who did extensive research into the disease, said, “Not a whole lot of thinking goes on in that region of the brain. We’re concerned that this might indicate what goes on within the larger population as a whole.”
Additionally, Professor R.U. Ready of the Institute for Policy Awareness in Cambridge, Massachusetts, has gone on record as having evidence that elimination of exposure from such electronic sources and a strict diet of independent alternative views may help sufferers overcome the early stages of the illness. “If the patient waits too long and does not seek early intervention,” Ready says, “He may soon succumb to the later stages of this mass psychosis.” Ready said that extreme aggression and a complete lack of awareness indicate that the sufferer may well be beyond hope. “When they start speaking incoherently, say about God blessing America or about constant threats from so-called “evildoers”, or when their vision becomes so limited they see only a few colors, for instance just red, blue, or white, you can be pretty well assured that the case is terminal.
Meanwhile, in the nation’s capitol, emergency personnel are being rushed to the scene of the recent outbreak. It is hoped that the virus can be contained near Capitol Hill before it spreads to the general population, but the clock is running and scattered reports continue to come in concerning the disease’s manifestation elsewhere in the nation.